The Narrator

Ever since their first encounter, the Narrator has done everything in his power to make life difficult for Thom. Even before they met, the Narrator has been known for using his narration powers to annoy and disappoint.

Thom

Thom is a young man with emotional problems who chooses to bottle things up rather than face them head on. Though he tries to just roll with the punches, he can't help but take everything personally. Mostly he's just a pushover.

The Amish Businessman

Craig 'The Amish Businessman' Redburn, has performed in several stage productions and toured with a troupe doing Shakespeare's The Tempest last summer. We're very lucky to have him with us. Well, not really. We're holding his family hostage! Fun!

Doctor Peaches

Peaches is a wonderful doctor from America's heartland. Growing up as a boy in Heartland, South Dakota, Edward decided to become a doctor when his little brother Leroy was mauled by a rabbit. Although the experience convinced him to become a doctor, it also crippled his courage, making him a really big weenie. Seriously.

The Pirate Doctor

The Pirate Doctor was a love child. You never think it would be someone you know, but its true. Son of a bloodthirsty Pirate and the finest surgeon in the state of Vermont, the Pirate Doctor is torn between what he should do. He has the heart of a pirate, but after his father left when he was 7, he became very close to his mother and promised he would do her proud by becoming a great doctor. Still hasn't quite panned out yet.

The Box

Made back in the late '80s for holding a blender motor, the box would have happily lived out his usefulness and then would have hopefully been recycled. But there were far more important things in store for the box. He was purchased, his contents emptied, and the emotions of an angst-ridden boy were put inside of him, along with several other unpleasant things. The responsiblity has made the little guy quite insane. The only thing he loves other than pain and suffering is Crest toothpaste.

Danny the Dancing Dachshund in Dungarees

Danny seems to have previously been involved in show business and is often accused of having stolen his image from another famous wiener dog. He, of course, denies it. Addicted to the spotlight and shiny things, Danny's favorite place in the world is Las Vegas. Also, he wears pants. Kinda strange, don't you think?

Chris

Chris used to go to high school with Thom. He went to college for a while, but he soon learned that higher education was not for him. So he became a pirate.  It is well-known that he is quite the lady's man... Lady's pirate. Yep.

Shamus

Jerry B. Toothy, or 'Shamus' is not actually a whale, but rather an oversized tuna who was originally a temp hired to do busy work around the site. Everyone liked him so much, we decided to give him a spot in the comic.

The Middle-Aged, Semi-Intelligent Judo Tortoises

Leonard Olsen, Ralph Ales, Michael Engleston and Donald Tello are a group of tortoises-for-hire. Their Judo skills seem to be as non-existent as their semi-intelligence. And although they appear to have no affiliation with the other reptilian foursome, you can be sure that a lawsuit is in the works. Not that they'd care anyway.

The Dirty Hobo

We found him by the highway. He smells real bad.

Rubber, the Mutant Zombie Rockers... From Hell

Tweek, Digger, Jen 13, Brian Son of Satan, Carnage and DJ Corndog are members of a rock and roll band from the future. They really are Mutant Zombies, aside from Tweek, who is just a pretty cool guy. When not on tour or practicing, the gang travels the country in their van, sparking vandalism and solving mysteries.

Jeff

Jeff is a high school Sophomore trying to make some extra money to save up for college. Jeff's parents are very overbearing, however, and so young Jeff is forced to pick up several part-time jobs around the nation.

The Mall Cops

The rookies of the Mall of America's force, Trevor O'Toole and Rochester Jeremy are constantly trying to look good for their superiors, so that one day, they may grow a mustache and ditch the crappy desk jobs.

Officer Jeremy Portly takes his job as a Security Guard very seriously. He always keeps his gun-shaped pocket loaded with Skittles and is sure to keep a magazine nearby to keep his mind sharp.

The Chief

Chief has been on the Mall of America's force for over 30 years. Sure, he's chief, but he doesn't even get dental insurance. He takes out his aggression by fervently trying to stop 'delinquents' from doing anything, even if they're not doing anything.

Aimee Henderson

This woman is seriously worried about your children.

The Feds

Agents Frederick and Imahara are from the US Environmental Protection Agency. They've been assigned specifically to trail the highly endangered Tortoise, and to stop anyone who means to bring harm to their species. They also hand out coupons all the time. No one is sure why.

The Red Box

Another blender motor box requisitioned in the late 80's for holding the repressed emotions of Thom. The Red Box has taken up storing any and all repressed rage and violence. This has had an adverse effect on his conversational skills. Also, if you make a Red Box DVD Rental joke around him, he will tear your face off.

The Sad Box

Yet another blender motor box that holds Thom's repressed emotions. The Sad Box holds Thom's sadness, angst and depression. Because Thom is a teenager, the Sad Box holds a LOT of these emotions. He gains no real power from all of these stored emotions, however, as they just make him want to stare at the ceiling and listen to Dashboard Confessional.

Real Old Sal

Real Old Sal has run a used car lot off his front porch for nigh on 65 years. Ain't never needed no fancy stuff, like your cable TVs or your short pants. He was around when you didn't need those sorts of things, and he liked it that way. He also hates your shirt.

Paul Hoagan

Comes standard with select 1999 Subaru Outback models (model). Paul Hoagan is from Australia, and he has appeared in at least 3 American films about an Australian man interacting with people who aren't from Australia.

Alejandro

Full name, Alejandro Garcia Alvares Ortiz Santiago Aguilar Delgado Munoz Racecardriver Orangejello the 4th. Alejandro moved from the swamps of South Florida to the lakes of Minnesota several years ago, hoping to break into the acoustic guitar scene they have going on up there. Turns out there wasn't an acoustic guitar scene in any of the 1000 lakes.

Bat Manta Ray

He is the flapping terror of the night... He is the avenger of all bodies of water... He... Is... A manta ray! With a pretty slick brochure and merchandizing deal.

The Chef

Chef is Chief's younger brother. Although Chef moved to Missouri and decided to become a cook (specializing in bread and things on the bread), he always had immense respect for his older brother. Occasionally the two discuss a way to combine their two jobs and pitch it as a show for TLC. I bet they'd go for it.

Cousin of Thom and student at the University of Iowa. Thim hopes to get his bachelor's degree in being a badass, and maybe one day be the owner of the world's largest crouton.

Doctor Converger is a Physics Professor at the University of Iowa. He used to dabble in mad science, and though he was really good at it, he decided it would be even more evil to gain a tenured position at a state college. And it was.

Alexander Graham Bell was an eminent scientist, inventor, engineer and innovator who is credited with inventing the first practical telephone.

Sadly, he does not appear in the comic, as he died almost one hundred years ago.